Am I ready for this? Is it time to let my feelings out? Maybe it'll be much much easier once I do let it out? Hmm. Right now, I find it really hard to breathe. It's kind of ... still ... hmm. It still stings. It actually still hurts. And everytime I get to think about it - my heart continues to break. Have you ever felt that? That pain you actually feel in your chest? Literally painful! You can hardly breathe and everything else around you turns into shit that makes you go gaga and your mind rushes you through all the other memories that probably suck the life out of you again and yes, again - you find yourself broken and in pain and just there - staring blankly and in your mind runs through all the questions you try so hard to stop asking yourself.
Believe me - it's traumatizing. It's one hell of a feeling I've always hated and hoped to never be in again. But here I am.
Yeah.
So. What do I want right now? At the moment...I don't really want to get into any relationship with anyone that goes beyond being really good friends. I don't want a boyfriend. I'm still at a point wherein I'll just be paranoid enough thinking he could just leave me anytime he wishes to. It'll be an unhappy relationship because I'll always doubt his love for me. I don't even know when it is I'll actually fully recover from this heartbreak that I'll be able to really be open to being with someone again. I doubt that it's anytime soon - but I also don't know what the future holds - this is just what I think and feel at the moment.
But - but ... I do want to be with someone. I miss the feeling so much. I want to have someone I can call at the end of the day and just tell him how my day went and hear his. I want to come home to someone after a long day and all we'll do is lay next to each other and then fall asleep. We don't even have to talk right then and there how our day went. I just want to hug and cuddle and fall asleep into his arms. I want to have someone I could run to for security. Someone I can call when I'm lost. Someone who'll tell me I'll be fine. Someone who I can call and someone who'd rush to me wherever I am just to give me a hug. He doesn't need to be my boyfriend. He can be just that. And being just that means more to me right now than having the title of a boyfriend who'll just be an ass and leave me in thin air. At least if I've got a friend, there'll be no breakups. No commitments. No promises that have a tendency to be broken.
Is it considered rebounding? To be with someone you could divert the attention you've been so used to giving someone else? I really don't do rebounds. I can assure you that I wont be with anyone else unless I'm completely over the previous one. Whatever you wanna call it. Point is - I wont get into any relationship unless I know for sure that ... this is it - or basta. Di yung pangbara-bara lang.
I wont have a boyfriend anytime soon. No. Not this year. And I highly doubt I'd have one - not even in the next. I want a relationship that takes a lot of time to get to know each other first. The one you take slowly ... surely.
No I love yous and no physical whatevers. Isn't that exciting? You'll be with someone and everytime you're together, you guys just spend time together. Talking. Eating. Playing. Or other stuff. But nothing romantically physical. No kissing. And no holding hands. Now isn't that thrilling? I've been thinking about it and ... I think I want my next kiss to be in a church - filled with closest families and friends - and right after the priest says "You may now kiss the bride." Some would probably say that it's malabo or that it happens to about 2 out of ten - but I'm just hoping naman e. I'd really appreciate it if this comes true. ♥ Or basta. Yung kiss na pinagisipan. Pinagplanuhan pero spontaneous parin yung dating. TEEHEE. Hindi yung nadala lang ng wala lang. ♥
Don't you guys think I'm doing well already?:) I'm still hopeful for the future. I'd rather be excited again to know who it really is God has in store for me :') Than keep wondering why the guys in my past didn't work out. Diba?:') At least, even if I'm feeling so shitty and in pain - I still believe in love. Yup! True love exists. And I'm sorry for the times I've sounded so bitter. That's just the sad Sarah talking :( Phase lang naman ito e. And since I have been here before (though the pain before cannot amount to the massive pain right now ugh fuuuck), I should already know my way out of this. Heartbreaks should not only make you stronger - it should most definitely make you wiser as well. ;)
Girls, I know it's hard. But - really...always leave even a little bit of love for yourself. Always know your worth. And even though you're madly in love and keep making excuses as to why you should stay with someone - believe me. The one you're meant to be with? You'll never need to create an excuse as to why you should ever tolerate any misbehaviour or whatever treatment you don't ever deserve. The one God has planned out for you would be too great that he'll be God's channel of love to you as well. :)
I think if a guy takes enough time to get to know me & the people who matter to me - I think he'll not rush the other things as well. :)
Till next time :)
Ciao!
Oops. Ps! To everyone who'll get to read this, I am asking for your prayers :') Please pray that I feel a whole lot better super soon :) I am sincerely asking for your prayers ... that's how I badly need them. Huhu. Hahaha. Cyberhugs are very much acceptable :D
Much love ♥♥♥
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