And it's okay! :) It's perfectly fine! I've been reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye more often now. And it has indeed helped me at feeling much better. I mean, I've honestly have always had this positive outlook on love and relationships, but I've been much more enlightened when I started reading this book again.
I can't seem to finish reading it because I've got tons of other things I need to attend to. :( But soon enough, I'll be done with it too. :)
I can recall having a post back in 2011 entitled I wanna go out on a date. It was a post I made before my birthday. And back then, I can remember constantly praying to God that I really wanna have a boyfriend again already. If you'd read the post, I said "God knows my heart's desires." And he does! And early into February, I started liking this guy a lot for the reason that he was able to make me laugh like no one else. I got my heart's desires in April of that year too. Hahahahaha.
I'd like to believe that he was the answer to my prayer. A late birthday present, but still.
I've also tweeted just recently about how I fall in love with a guy and how I know that this is it.
I've realized that falling in love is something that IS IN YOUR CONTROL. Which means I can't say "uncontrollably". I could control my falling. Speed it up by feeding my emotions with more of him and slow it down by just focusing on other things and ignore all the butterflies he gives and move on with more important tasks my back then teenage life would've had. This is why I said unhesitatingly - it means I'm willing to fall deeper. It means I'm willing to actually fall for him. No holding me back and no thinking too much about what could happen next - it's fully trusting my heart and what I believe is probably God's will.
I can't always use God you know. But what I'm saying is of how I saw things back then. But now that I'd like to believe I'm much wiser (but still not wise enough) when it comes to these things and have somewhat become much closer to God again - I'd like to take more time when it comes to falling in love. Yes, still with no hesitations - but now before letting my emotions take control of me - I'll pray harder about it and fully discern it first before taking another huge leap of faith and allow myself to be fully committed to anyone.
I'll be honest and I'd tell you that I'm still super duper scared to fall in love again. Someday soon, I'll fully trust God again when it comes to this matter. I know I should - and I do trust Him right now. But I'm just being honest that there's still this huge chunk of fear of just getting hurt again. I've said it so many times before - I'm ready for this - I'm ready for commitments. The only thing I'm not ready for is being committed to someone who's not as ready as I am. Is that clear? And this is where and why we should just leave it all to God. :) Joshua Harris said that what causes fear is the lack of trust. Well I guess I do trust God - it's just hard to trust other people nowadays. It's really hard to explain. HAHAHAHA. But it's somewhat like what my parents would always tell me "We trust you. We just don't trust the people you're with." I think that sorta helps you get my point? No? Nevermind. Hahahahahahahaha.
And going back to my title - I just thought about it this morning while I was having my late breakfast that I do miss going out on a date - with a guy. I probably do miss - having a guy. That was more than 2 years that I got used to having someone again. And then lost it. I had to adjust again - but it's okay! :) It may have been the worst breakup I've ever had - but I've by far had the best aftershock ever. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
The first time I had to go through a breakup - damn it was hard! I did have friends who'd be there for me - but considering that we were all just entering college and trying to figure out our own new worlds - it was like double struggle for me. And I couldn't demand time from people whom I know had their own problems too. But this time - this time people had time. Now that we're done with college and many have new worlds again which is the workplace - we've all matured already and this time I guess most of us wanted to be able to give more time to each other because we failed to when we were busy with school. Getting back up on my feet was easier now not just because of the people who helped me get through my heartaches but I'd like to very much believe that it's because this time - I knew better than I did before. Well I should, right? I'm much older now and it would be a waste of my past years growing up if I dint heck become a stronger person bold enough to face challenges like these.
I do miss going out with a guy and meeting up with him at a mall. I used to always arrive earlier than my ex. I used to always be the one waiting. See how unhealthy my past relationship has made my view on love become? My love's become too unconditional - that I dint have any left for myself. I was thinking that I miss that feeling - of waiting for hours and somewhat get pissed off - but miss that smile I couldn't control or hide the moment I see him. In a crowd of human beings - I'd see him spot on. And from afar - the moment our eyes would meet - damn my smile and my eyes just light up. That easily. It was like he's instantly forgiven. Maybe I missed that. And it's okay. I know that this time - this next time? :) I'll have that smile I can't control because this new guy's always gonna be on time. He won't ever be late. It's an exciting thought right? :) He's something I'm really looking forward to. He's like my invisible yet existing inspiration. Hahahahahahaha. He exists! I swear to you. He's just still under construction - just like me. :)
I miss having visits! I miss doing so many things for my special someone. I really do. I don't wanna get rusty with my sweetness and thoughtfulness and spontaneity - that's why I wanted to put that gift to good use. And I'm finally for hire. Hahahahahaha.
I miss so many couple-y things. I miss shopping for my man and saving up for him. OHHH NOW I'VE FIGURED IT OUT. I know what I miss. Hahahaha!!! I MISS BEING A GIRLFRIEND!! I don't really miss HAVING A BOYFRIEND - I miss BEING A GIRLFRIEND! Or my mind's not working right? ._. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
But I'm okay, I'm okay. :) I really love all the time I have to myself, my family, and friends right now. :) And this time, all the time I have to myself - I often spend with God too. He'll always be my boyfriend. TEEHEE.
You guys should really read I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It has really blessed me. Now I'll share it here too - what I shared on Instagram. :)
God wants us to appreciate the gifts of the present season of our lives. He wants us to learn the patience and trust necessary to wait for His perfect timing in all things, including our love lives.
When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.
"For I know the plans I have for you," God says, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). Let's live our todays for His kingdom and entrust our tomorrows to His providence.
- Joshua Harris
There's this new app I'm loving right now!! It's Studio. I use it when putting text on photos. It's the best editing app by far (for me) if you're into typography with photos too. Hihihi. Get it before it decides to be for purchasing only! It's sort of like Instagram but better? Hahahaha coz it also has a community but not much people are in it yet I guess.
Oh, used Afterlight in editing this photo too. Woot woot.Anyhoo.
That's all.
Long busy day ahead :D
Till my next love post. Hihihihihihi
Ciao x :)
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