This Chapter ♥

I suppose it's been a long time since my last love post. I always talk about love don't I? Hahaha. Well it's probably because I'll always be in love. With life and love itself.

So there's this new song I just heard last night. And I must say - it's the best I've ever heard. Like - THE best song ever. The composition and everything else - it's perfect. All credits to a really good friend of mine. But maybe I'll blog about him some other time. :)

Right now ... there's this thing I wanna blog about. And as usual - it's gonna be about me and my thoughts and my feelings. HAHAHAHAHA no duh, Sarah.

I've been thinking about it lately. And I'm pretty definite about what I want in a relationship. With a guy. Like a boyfriend or whoever it is I'll be spending the rest of my life with.

I want to meet someone - and I want us to take a lot of time in getting to know each other.

I want a guy who WANTS me more than he NEEDS me. Let's not really talk about love first.

I want a courtship that takes into account everything about each other. Get to know each other well enough before going to something really serious or whatever.

I want someone who WANTS me because that's something he DECIDES on. It's a VOLUNTARY feeling. Not unlike someone who JUST NEEDS me. Because when someone needs me - those needs could always be met by someone else. It's not true that there's only one person in the world who could fill up those empty spaces in ourselves. It's just that we choose them. We allow that certain person to fill those spaces in. Not because they're the only ones who can - but because they're the only person we allow to do so. Or this is something only I believe in?

Look at it this way. When I was in a relationship - it wasn't really all about FEELINGS. There were times wherein the feelings got shady and honestly there have been times wherein the flame just ran out of fuel or something. But I decided to stay. I KNEW that someone else could make me happier. I KNEW that someone else could treat me better. I KNEW that someone else out there would REALLY never dare do such stuff to me. I KNEW that someone else could exert more effort for me. I KNEW that there is someone else out there - who could be much more fit to be with me - in a way that everything will be in it's perfect balance. Where the compromising easily comes and that nothing could ever make me doubt our existence - together.

But I stayed. I stayed in my past relationships because love is a choice. It's something you decide to work on. It's something you fix when there are bits and pieces damaged. It's something you choose to do. Even if it took everyday to make it last.

Like ... there've been times in the past wherein it was a DAILY fucking struggle to stay with a person. You try and try to make things work. It was tiring - really. To work on something ... and feel as though you're working on it alone. I guess that's when relationships fall apart. When it's no longer being worked on at by the people involved.

So I've decided - I'll only allow myself to be with someone - who WANTS me. Who wants to be with me. Who will DECIDE to be with me. Will decide to LOVE me - no matter how hard it might take.

Every guy I get to be with would ALWAYS always tell me that the guy before him has been a jerk to leave me. Tells me the guy before him was an ass and stupid enough to let me go.

It's kind of hard really ... to take that in and not feel as though there might be something wrong with me. Because they say the same shit - tell you they'd DEFINITELY not be the douche who left you ... but eventually still leave you.

Everyone tells me it just so happens that I keep ending up with the wrong ones. That I should never feel that there's something wrong with me. I'd like to really believe that.

I swear. I really do.

You know what? I just can't wait to meet him. Whoever he is and may be - I just can't wait. I'm so ecstatic - really. To finally meet that guy I'm meant to spend my life with.

Am I hard to be with? Let me see.

I've often evaluated myself as a girlfriend. And I really don't understand what else a guy could ask for.

You wanna go out with friends? Okay, cool with me. Do you need to text me while you're with them? Nope. If you wanna just be with them the whole night - totally cool with me. Just maybe you could text me when you get to the place you guys are gonna meet up at. And that's about it. And maybe allow me to kiss you good night on the phone. So that's about two phone calls the entire night, isn't it? Just two. If you can't do either - just tell me. I'll understand.

You're running late? I hate waiting - but I still always wait. Always. Now don't take my patience for granted. If you're running late - tell me. Tell me if you woke up late. Tell me if you're just about to take a shower. Tell me you're not sure what time you'll be here - but at least give me an estimate. Around 2 hours? Tell me. Tell me if your dad asked you to do something. Tell me if your mom let you do errands - if those are the reasons why you'll be running late. Or if it's a total emergency - tell me "Baby I'll be late so sorry explain things later love you" Something like that will work with me. And I'll wait for you. Even if it takes more than two hours. I'll be fine waiting. I can always kill time with a book or the internet or with something else. Besides - I can always not wait for you either. It really depends. But don't tell me you're on your way when really - you're just on your way to the bathroom to take a shower. Then have lunch. Don't be a douche. Don't expect me to wait just because you know I will. I want you to take me seriously. I want you to know that MY personal time is of importance too. And that my world doesn't just revolve around you.

You'll be hanging out with other girls? Totally fine with me. You hiding that fact that there are other girls is the thing that would make me think. That's when you'll make me doubt you and worry and go paranoid. Actually - for every time you're with some other girl, whatever it is you do with her, say to her or anything at all in relation to her or with her - think about it if I were with some other guy. That's just about it. Like, the moment you think about approaching her for some other reason you wouldn't accept if I were to approach some other guy - then I suggest you don't do it. Do you understand me? I am a very very selfish person - with the right reasons. I get jealous - WITH reason. If you DO NOT give me a reason to become all uneasy with a girl you know - then all's cool with me. Really. Don't tell me "Oh it's nothing. Don't think about it." That statement itself makes me uneasy. Just. Just know what you're doing. Be wise about every action you do. Okay? Okay.

These are my top three issues I guess. Well - the top three things me and my ex used to argue about.

Don't ever give me false hope. Don't ever DARE lie to me. Don't EVER EVER EVER tell me anything you're NOT SURE OF. Don't tell me you miss me if you don't. Don't tell me you love me if it's just because you were extremely happy that day. Don't tell me you love me if it's because you've never felt this way before with anyone else. I want you to be sure about it. Tell me you love me if and when you've already thought about it. And ask yourself this "Would I still love her even when all else fails?" If you don't even have to think twice about it - and immediately tell yourself YES, YOU WOULD - then maybe that's the right time for you to tell me. I guess. Hahaha.

Just don't. Don't make promises you can't keep. Just do things. Show me. Make me feel your love. Express it through actions more than just words. Yes, telling me stuff means a lot. But after everything I've been through - I prefer feeling things instead. I can't always just rely on a man's word anymore. I have far gone trusting anyone ... really.

I can't tell you how long it'll take for you to win my heart. But it comes easily ... and naturally. It can even take just about a day to win me over. I swear. I just think it does take the right person to do so. Like - you can win my heart by day one - but it'll take a few more days, months, or years before I myself am sure about you too.

I don't want breaking any guy's heart either. That's probably why I'm a huge runner. I run when things get too close to getting there. Because I know I can't. Not now. Not yet. And unfortunately enough - not with you. My decision to stay and get to know you better probably means I'm ready to take another leap of faith. Not necessarily on love right away. But on you - as another human being I'd willingly share myself with.

My walls are just so so high now. I'm like Rapunzel. And I'm the one who put myself on top of the tower. Nope - I don't need saving. I'm okay being in my tower right now. It just takes the right person I guess - for me to again let down my hair and welcome him into my world. But no worries. Rapunzel knows how to open her door - and go down the tower herself too. And maybe then she'd try to get to know your world too. :)

What do I want ...

I want someone who'll go with me on adventures. Lots and lots and lots of adventures. We'll go hiking, travel, learn new stuff together, try new stuff together - we'll do so much together. I want someone I could eat tons and tons of food with. Well if he's health conscious - he could eventually influence me with what to eat and not too. I want someone who doesn't mind doing random stuff with me. We'll do weird and crazy things together. You'll never ever ever get bored with me. We'll visit art museums and act as though we're really great artists and try to speak French. We'll go to music festivals from all over the world and sing our lungs out together and when the field gets too crowded - you'll carry me on your shoulders so I could have the best view - the concert on stage and the guy I see when I look down. ♥ :) We'll go to wedding expos and you'll willingly carry my very very heavy bag of flyers and magazines. HAHAHA. We'll watch Drift shows, bull fights, cock fights, and heck we'll go to strip clubs (please take me to a strip club I've always wanted to go to one hahahaha). We'll go to Casinos and gamble. We'll celebrate halloween parties and wear costumes we thought well of. I'll learn how to cook all your favorite dishes. I'll ask your mom to help me out. I'll shop clothes for and with you. We'll drink and get drunk together. We'll play video games and you'll be surprised when I beat you at some. We'll make random deals and bets. We'll sleep all day if that's what you feel like doing. We'll watch tons and tons and tons of movies together. I want someone who has the same taste in music as I do. Coz could you just imagine being in a car with someone and then he turns up the radio and you're all quiet and trying to enjoy the ride because hey, that's really not your jam. HAHAHAHA. Could you imagine living with someone who plays a song and you just can't enjoy that tune with him? I just can't imagine. I wanna be with someone who has good taste in films. Could you imagine watching a movie with someone and then he'd just fall asleep at some point? This is why I love watching movies in cinemas alone. The only reason why I want to watch movies with other people because I want to have someone I can discuss it with afterwards. Share thoughts about it and stuff. Or maybe if the movie was so awesome - we'd go out of the cinema and head out to dinner and still just be at awe with what we've just watched - we'd both be speechless. I wanna be with someone who doesn't mind waiting in a long line with me. I wanna be with someone who understands my sarcasm. I wanna be with someone who understands me when I'm being weird and dreamy about the future. I wanna be with someone who'll be honest with me if my idea's a complete flop or if it's really good. I wanna be with someone who'd always be frank with me. Like if I look ugly that day - tell me. If my dress doesn't look good with the shoes I'm wearing - tell me. If you've got no idea and I look just fine with you - tell me. Hahaha. I wanna be with someone who I can run to for comfort when things go wrong. I wanna be with someone who I can cry on and it doesn't matter if you don't talk - just hold me tight and hold me close. That's enough. I wanna be with someone who understands my hunger for new things. Someone who understands my addiction to the internet and how it will forever amaze me. Someone who understands my peculiarity and how my thoughts can be from utterly stupid to amazingly bizarre. I want someone who can be my BFFF. Someone who I can go to a batting range, a shooting range, an archery range? Hahaha. I'm really into a lot of guy stuff. At the same time I'll always be the most hopeless romantic girl you can ever meet. You'll get random surprises for random reasons. And you don't necessarily need to reciprocate any of those surprises I do for you - you just need to appreciate them ... and appreciate me. These all come naturally - really. I'll be the best thing that'll ever happen to you. I'll always always look my best for you (but sorry I really don't do makeup hahaha). I'll always work on my body so that you'd never have a reason to look at someone else :p HAHAHA. Dress nice, smell great, & look beautiful - and all of me is all for you. ;) I want someone who I can be completely transparent with - and him with me too. I want someone who doesn't mind taking selfies with me. Hahahahaha - seriously speaking :p I want someone who'll be comfortable around a camera - around a photographer. I'll take your photos - quite a lot of times. I'll take photos of us and the adventures we'll submerge ourselves in together. I want someone who will always be interested in me and what I think and what I feel. I want someone who will always be curious about me too. I want someone - who constantly wants me.

I want a relationship with enough faith, loyalty, trust, compassion, understanding, spontaneity, and space - the right amount of it. Space enough for us to continue to grow as individuals - and also as two people together.

I want someone who believes in a higher being. I want someone who believes in God. I want someone who is God-fearing. I want a man who speaks of God in a way so profound - he himself becomes the greatest blessing - not just to me - but also to others around him. It doesn't matter if we've got different religions - really. I want to be with a man of God. If not yet - or not yet right now - I want someone who doesn't mind praying with me. I want someone I can talk about God with and really have his heart into it. I want to be with someone wherein our love (now we're talking about love) will be grounded in God. ♥ :)

This is gonna be a pretty long chapter of my life. This chapter wherein I'm still creating a better version of myself - for God and the man he's prepared/preparing for me. ♥

Till my next love post.

Ciao x :)

PS, I'll share with you this quote from a book I've been reading since college hahaha (Daily Grace for Teens)

"It is not wrong to want more, or better. But it is best to let God decide what that more or better should be. He has a reason for everything He does. He also knows what you are best suited for because He made you."

:)