So after so long - nothing has been making me cry. No thought. No memory. No whatsoever regarding my past relationship has made me cry. I don't know for how long - all I know is that I've been really doing great.
Now this aint an "I'm still not over you" post. Excuse me.
It's rather a response to a friend's tweet to me which was a post from Thought Catalog.
Right when I saw the title, I knew it was supposed to somewhat make me understand what I just went through and this article could probably speak for my past that somehow just managed to resolve itself just because you can choose to let it be. Because I know that if I dwell on my past - I know that as long as I don't accept things and just leave them as they are - moving on can take forever and I'll always just have questions which will always be unanswered. So I've decided to move on. And just let things be. Let time heal wounds - and look forward to much brighter days.
But okay.
So I read the entire article.
Upon reading the first part ... I knew how HE felt. The guy who was left behind.
For a really long time too even after we broke up - I still strongly believed that it couldn't possibly because of another person. There couldn't possibly be a third party. I believed I knew him too well for that to be the reason.
Me and HE felt the same thing. It's just that I probably had it worse - because of how abrupt mine ended. Not how fast and unexpected - but how it really did. But let's not discuss that. Let's keep that personal.
And yes, I did lose him when he had to find himself. (Have you finally found yourself though? In the course of choosing to live your life without me - have you truly found yourself? If not, I hope your journey be at its best. No pun intended. Pinkyswear.)
And then ... I read what's supposed to be his part. His side.
I couldn't help but cry. I was supposed to sleep again after breakfast. But when I read this - I just knew this was worth responding to and yes - has to be in my blog.
I found it unfair. And I - a little bit - honestly got hurt. Why? Because I did not fucking understand why I felt the exact same thing too - with HER.
I lost myself too. But I used to think that "Nah, it's okay. Maybe this is a new me. Or or if I'm not happy with the person I've become - maybe breaking up is not the option. Maybe finding myself - in a new light & a new perspective never meant I'd have to let him go. Maybe I could change into a better person - and have him be with me through my journey. Maybe I can keep him. Maybe it's okay to lose myself when conditioning my mind that when I'm with him - I'd rather be nowhere else but there. Maybe ... just maybe - I could make things right - and we could make things right - without ever having to let go of each other." Etcefuckingtera.
He was this and he was that.
And I don't blame him - just because I took part in it because I allowed him to treat me that way.
For so many times I tried to get out. For so many times I believed that that was what's best for us. But just as SHE said - I know he wouldn't let me go if he knew the reason. Which was true. I'd like to believe that we had this honest and open relationship. So yeah - I did express my feelings regarding the issue. How there's no more growth. And that maybe we need some time apart. Etcetera. Etcetera. But no. He never let me go - when I wanted to be let loose. So okay - we ended up staying together - through whatsofuckingever. To infinity and beyond we said.
But maybe the last paragraph's that thing I hope he felt. It's okay - okay? To not ever really fix things anymore. Things are okay now. Really. But I do hope he felt and knew that I deserved more. That I deserved an explanation. It's okay for me to no longer hear that. It's okay for me to just let things be. I no longer need to hear the explanation - really. I just hope so bad that he knew that I deserved one. Do you get me?
I still have my high hopes for him. That he'd have the best in life. And find himself. Find whatever it is he's looking for - really. I do hope he finds the girl too who's indeed gonna change his life. This one - he knows. This one - I've told him MANY, MANY, MANY times before. That I just don't think I'm the girl who's for him. I strongly believe that there must be someone else he'd really really really change for. And I remember telling him too that I hope when he finds whoever it is he thinks is "the one" for him - I super hope she finds him her "the one" too.
To whoever girl though that may be with him right now or in the future, I'd like to tell you this. Please love him - and just be patient with him. I know he's hard to be with at times - but really. He just needs tons of understanding. And if he loves you - if he says he loves you and you're sure he sounds so sincere about it ... if you know that he doesn't even need to say it - and you just feel that he DOES love you - that even just by the way he looks at you already makes you feel like you're the only girl in his world - please just be patient with him. He loves you. And you know you love him back. Because when you've already doubted the possibility of you two being together and if you two would work out yet you're still with him - maybe you've got it bad too. Just stay with him. Eventually he'll come to his senses - and I'm hoping that this time - he wont let you go. ;)
And as for me - I don't think I'm lost. I know myself. But I am in search for something more. I'm everyday on this journey to a better self. :) I know who I am right now. And I'm currently really doing great. :)
To brighter days.
hnng~
Ciao xxxxxxxxx
TEEHEE♥
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